Someone broke into our house last night. Well, at least that's what it SOUNDED like, when I woke up early this morning to the sound of someone tearing our front door off the hinges. It sounded like they were using a sledgehammer, steamroller, jackhammer combination. So I bounded out of bed, fully ready to take on the intruder in all of my pajama glory.
Bursting out the bedroom door, I arrived in the living room and assumed the pose that you're supposed to assume when someones breaking into your house....you know the pose I'm talking about...the macho look, the martial arts posture, the fists clenched, the chest puffed out....all the things that say, "you've broken into the wrong house, buddy. And you're fixin' to regret it!"
Imagine my surprise when I found our front door right where it was supposed to be. Unscathed. Pristine. Locked. And no one on the other side, trying to get in. Then I heard the sound again. It wasn't coming from our front door. It was coming from another area of the house. My sonar macho-martial arts hearing deduced it was coming from the middle of the living room. Behind me. Right where the dog cage was supposed to be.
With my eyes still struggling to focus in the dark, I made my way over to the dog cage, and peered in. Little Jezzi was running around her cage, bouncing off the sides like something obsessed. So that was where the demolition noise was coming from? I opened the front gate, and Jezzi shot out like a grenade launcher, and started to make the circle between the living room, dining room, and kitchen. Apparently this is the international dog sign for "I really have to go outside and pee". She was on her 14th lap by the time it took me to get to the back door, some 3.2 seconds.
Opening the back door, I reached for the latch to unlock the screen. But Jezzi was in too much of a hurry to wait. Straight thru the door she crashed, making one of those dog shapes in the door that you see in cartoons. Well, I guess that's probably the way she saw it happening in her "I really gotta go pee" mind. What actually happened is that she hit the door going 104, and bounced back into the kitchen in a blur of fur and spit. Not discouraged, she got back up, and shot back towards her outdoor restroom. This time I'd had long enough to get the screen open, and thru a combination of air/water propulsion, she jetted herself out the door and up the hill.
As I bent down to notice the dripping debris on my thankfully rubber houseshoes, she stopped halfway up the hill, looked back, and in a distinctly British accent, shot me a look that said, "can I get a little privacy here?". At that point, as far as I was concerned, she could have all the privacy she wanted. This admitted dog-lover was contemplating Jezzi barbecue-on-the-spit for dinner. I was uttering unintelligible combinations of words, all directed at our intelligence-challenged little furball. My wife was busy covering her face under the blankets so I wouldn't immediately see/hear her trying vainly not to laugh out loud. The quaking blanket and shaking bed always give her away. I cleaned my houseshoes (that I now realize are designed with HOLES all over them), washed my feet, stifled my giggles, and got back into bed.
It was now 5am. The adrenaline that had shot thru my body 10 minutes earlier was now saying "you don't really want to go back to sleep, do you?". My wife asked me if I was ok (in between the stifled laughter). Yes, I was fine. :-) Let's go back to sleep. So we both fluffed out pillows, and turned over, determined to catch another hour or so of sleep before sunrise.
Then, we did what every good, patriotic, God-fearing American does when their house is broken into in the middle of the night. We got up, got dressed, snuck out quietly, and drove to Dunkin Donuts. There's something about a sour cream donut that can make it all seem ok.